This is the post where I decide to come clean.
I've been living a lie and now is the time to let you all know about it.
If you've read this blog for longer than a few months or have followed on Facebook, then you know that for a significant part of my life I have been Catholic. For the longest time it was "all things Catholic" around here. I'm here to say, today, that this is no longer the case. I've fallen away, and for the first time in a while, I'm actually OK with it.
It has been nearly two years since I've attended Mass. Two years, this coming Christmas. Hard to believe, but it's true. For a while, I was really torn about it....identifying as Catholic and feeling awful Catholic guilt. If you've been through this, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't and you're Catholic, well, count your blessings. <smile> I think it's perfectly normal to go though these things. To have doubts, to have "dark nights of the soul" which may last a long time.
There isn't any one thing I can point to that made me stop going. I think it was just that I came to a realization that, instead of being the hypocrite in the pew (saying one thing, yet doing another), I could be myself out of the pew. I have no issues with the Church; I have no issues with those within the Church. I have plenty of issues with myself, to the point that I could no longer just sit back and hope for things to work out; to the point that I could no longer instruct children in ways that I was so unsure about myself.
If you're reading this and you're stunned and don't know what to say, then please don't say anything. Feel free to pray for me. Feel free to put out all the positive thoughts and vibes into the universe heading in my direction. Don't judge, don't condemn. Just love. I think Jesus put it best in the Gospel of John:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." (Jn. 13:34)
Because, really, when we truly love one another in an unselfish, sacrificial way; when we come to the table with ourselves, naked and bare, without expectation of the future, without the weight of the past, truly in the moment, that is when the world begins to change. That radical act is rarely, if ever, done in the pew. That radical act is carried out in the slums, in the heart of our families, in the world.
On a somewhat related note, I feel I should explain the lack of blogging (yet again, lol). While I've been battling my "demons" (so to speak), I have kind of come to the realization of a few other things.
I enjoy living my life as it's lived.
I used to be compelled to document it, to share it on Facebook, to Tweet about it, to Instagram it. This commentary, by the way, is in no means a condemnation of those who share things via those platforms....this is only about me and how I view the world. I joke sometimes about how if I didn't Facebook/Tweet/Instagram/Pinterest it...then it didn't happen! Please, please, please see the humor in that statement! We know it isn't true, right? It's just that sometimes, especially those of us used to sharing things on blogs and connected through social media, it's easy to get hung up on documenting the moment instead of really living it, really experiencing it, being truly present.
Take a moment and get out from behind the phone, from behind the screen. You'll thank yourself for it. I guarantee it. <smile>
And, thus, the compulsion the be the homeschool blogger, to be the mom blogger, to be the whatever-is-taking-me-away-from-life-right-now blogger has waned in a big way. I don't know if I'll continue blogging here or if it will fade into the distance. We'll continue homeschooling until the little guy is done in another 10 years or so. But I no longer feel compelled to let the whole world know about it. And, if I get a mad hare up my butt, you can be darn sure I'll write a book about it instead! <smile>
If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. Hopefully you'll continue to follow on social media because I do occasionally post fun or interesting things there.
Be good and live life!